On track? Don't get me started...

I sat at a luncheon where my 16 yo daughter was going to speak to over 200 people; she was literally going to be displayed for her poise, confidence, insights, and eloquence.   

     The interchange with our delightful neighbor inevitably turned to homeschooling and then began “the conversation.” Once again, I slowly explained: no I was not particularly patient, actually some of my kids are extraordinarily social, it’s quite legal in our state to educate without oversight by the school district, every day is different, I skip foreign language but my son ended up fluent in Russian, college is quite possible if that is what they choose, etcetera etcetera etcetera.  I know this conversation intimately because, you see, I am a homeschool advocate and educating people on this choice is what I do.  It was a relief when the program started and I could watch the magic of my daughter with a microphone while simultaneously putting to rest the well-meaning curiosity of a stranger I will never see again.  I’ve been having some rendition of this conversations for over 20 years and I was pleased with my diplomacy.

     Then I get home and see that a friend of mine has re-posted a sweet blog about homeschooling.  There’s one comment.  Yes, you guessed it…the public school teacher.  I absolutely know she is coming from a place of sincerity for the children in her care.  She says, “I am all for home-schooling by dedicated parents who are actually spending time making sure their children are educated and on track. Unfortunately however, as a public school teacher, I have seen my share of kids who transfer to my classroom in middle school and are several years behind their peers after "home-schooling." It is very sad. I don't know the ins and outs concerning regulations on home-schooling, but always feel bad for these kids who struggle to get caught up with little to no support at home.”

     Something in me snapped.  Not an anger snap, I save those for scoundrels who prey on the unsuspecting, but a snap of the sort which calmly asks, “Must-this-be-endured-a-moment-longer?” Don’t worry, I am not going to defend the parents who literally do nothing with their kids—I don’t care if they have their children in the finest private schools money can buy—not taking an active part in your children’s growth and education is inexcusable. 

But allow me to school you for a moment.

Not my Train, Not my Conductor

     Generally speaking, homeschoolers are not trying to keep anyone “on track.”  This whole concept is a modern development.  We don’t care about the safety of your track or the destination of your train.  Keeping our children rolling along with what your experts deem as age-required standards is overridden as soon as we dejunk our minds from your systematic brainwashing that only expert educators can possibly manage the task of eliminating every vestige of imagination while plugging it full of useless information to be regurgitated on tests.  After a Master’s degree and 19 years of formal schooling, the only time that particular skill of multiple choice test taking came in handy was when I tested for a motorcycle license at your sister conveyor belt—the DMV.  I spent many years of my life perfecting the test taking skill set, thanks for nothing.

     What we are interested in, simple as it seems, is everything else.  We’re interested in maintaining a healthy sense of curiosity and developing a life-long love of learning.  Have you seen the stats on people graduating from your high schools who never read another book?  We’re profoundly interested in finding out what our children really have a passion for and then supporting them in that journey.  We’re interested in relationships and playing outside like a kid and reading books aloud until our family has a shared group of friends that never really existed but inspired us to exist in ways we never would have imagined.

You may, with our best wishes, keep your tracks.  But we mourn a little for the childhood wonder that is lost as the train keeps moving along whether or not the passenger is ready for the ride.

Please, Keep Your Quotation Marks and We’ll Keep Ours

     Your concern for your perceived-to-be neglected students is minimized and patronized by your “home-schooling” punctuation.  I’ll attempt to be civil here.  If there were statistics to be found on the percentages of teen-pregnancies, drug addictions, and crime rates between students who are public-schooled and homeschooled (we make it one word…because we can), there is no doubt that your systemic problems are far greater than ours could ever be.  But, we don’t write about the troubled “public-schooled” children in the news simply because it’s a tragedy regardless of their parent’s educational choices. I’ll even go so far as to surmise that the neglect by parents is far greater in your system than in our homes because a homeschooling family chooses to engage in parenting 100% rather than offload some large portion of that to experts in classroom management.

As for Trading Students

     I have always been a part of a community of homeschoolers that meets for classes and learning experiences of various sorts.  I’ve taught dozens of groups of homeschooled children and youth.  They love to come to class, they participate with enthusiasm, and they are surrounded by adults who are almost like aunts and uncles.  Without exception, the ones who have been pulled from public school mid-journey have shown battle scars of varying degrees.  Some absolutely hate learning.  Others have been bullied to the point that they have anxiety or other behavioral issues.  The youth think it is uncool to answer a teacher’s question or ask one of their own.  I had one come into my classroom in what would have been his Junior year.  Hoodie on, earbuds in.  “Let him detox,” said my mentorgut.  Weeks went by, he never said a word.  One day, at the end of a two-hour discussion, he said to me on his way out the door, “Great class Kathy.”  From that day on, he was 100% engaged. It took him some time to really believe that great education happens when you have inspiring content and powerful discussion.

     Now, for the sake of full disclosure, let’s talk the reverse trade.  There are a variety of reasons that a homeschooler would decide to put their child on your train.  And one of them, clearly, is complete neglect and giving up.  But there could be extenuating circumstances like sickness, death, and divorce that prompted it.  Regardless of the cause, I’d be willing to bet that though you found these students terribly behind (I physically prevented myself from putting the word *behind* in quotation marks, because a deal is a deal…), they were polite and able to talk to an adult.  They weren’t horizontally socialized and adults are real people to them, not just authority figures to be obeyed or brown-nosed (or their corollary opposites--disobeyed and ridiculed).  I’d even go so far as to guess that none of them were the bullies in the hallway, restroom, or on the field.  In 20 years I’ve never seen a homeschooled child bully another.  When the new kid comes into the homeschool group, they are celebrated and welcomed.  I don’t think my experience is unique.

Your Train and My Dune Buggy  

     It’s okay that they are different.  If you want a population of literate people (and we do), then it makes all the sense in the world that there is a systematized way to funnel them through.  There is absolutely no way you’d get everyone to climb in their own dune buggy!  I’m super grateful for the teachers that give it their all and make tremendous contributions to specific children as well as to society. But please know that when one of ours gets a ticket on your train, they have not been prepared for the journey simply because the tracks don’t go to the vistas their parents aspired to.  They are in a foreign land among strangers.  I hope you’ll find the thing they’re into and show off their knowledge in this other area that isn’t in your scope and sequence. And that you’ll ease their social transition because they simply don’t have the street smarts to assimilate seamlessly.  You call that awkward, I call it innocence.

     When we get one of yours, we already know what that means.  Parents rarely pull out their child that is doing extremely well and loves every minute.  So what do we do?  Circle around and assure the parents that neither they nor their child are failures; the train ride was simply not suited to the passenger.  We advise a detox.  We encourage the parents to focus on finding their own passion for education.  We look into the eyes of the battle-scarred child and find genius until their parents can see it.

Back to the Luncheon

     My daughter’s speech was wonderful, you could feel the approval from the audience as they saw this young person as a symbol of hope in the future and that their scholarship donations had been well spent indeed.  Somewhere else, in a similar situation, I’m sure there was another girl, who was public-schooled, bringing out those same feelings in different group of philanthropically-minded people.  The dune buggy and the train have some successes and some failures.  Inspiring people to take their experiences and building on them would be a better use of our time than to compare two journeys that have such different destinations in mind.

Kathy Mellor has been homeschooling since before it was cool.  She has been the primary mentor for her six children and has worked to provide them with opportunities for growth that fits their particular needs and passions.  In addition, she has mentored thousands of other parents and youth through her company Unleashing Your Voice! and LEMI (Leadership Education Mentoring Institute).  A devoted believer in perfect weather she resides in San Diego, CA.